Get by with a little help from my friends...

....Tonto goes to soul club and survives!!

Every month Tonto gets a text from her good friend Alan asking her to go to his soul club. Most months Tonto makes up an excuse not to go. But this month Tonto ran out of excuses and so she toddled along. Besides, she had nothing else on.

She decided her best line of defence was to bring some friends. Recently outed alien, Juanine and the lovely Roisin were on hand under strict instructions not to leave each other alone.

Alan was delighted to see us. Especially Roisin. I think he likes her. This is his delighted face. Not to be confused with his scary face, although come to think of it they are quite similar. Anyway, he was delighted.



The music was good but we were slightly drunkand so decided to ignore it for the most part and instead came up with various others mean to entertain ourselves, like magic tricks. We like a good magic trick at the big news at twelvty. Here Ciara demonstrates her Roisn out of a bag trick. See she wobbles the bag fast and it looks like you can see an image of Roisin!!

We also tried our hand at being on the door. Tonto played bouncer and fell over. This is Tontos scary face (before she fell over) and Roisins not tonight impression.. Very convincing

After bouncer we tried our hand at money taking. Some money went missin....we don't know where it went but Tonto and Roisin had more wine all of a sudden. Go figure!! Roisin was in charge of stamping peoples hands cos shes an artist and who better to do it.

But her aim was a little off and Tonto ended up with a stamp on her face. So that was the end fo that game.

They were removed promtly from the door. And so the search to find something to entertain them continued. Until Juanine noticed a piano in the corner. On closer inspection, it was revealed that the piano was opened and Roisin and Tonto remembered that they were brilliant pianists. Well they were brilliant at everything else so why shouldn't they be brilliant at playing the piano.

On closer inspection, it was revealed that they were not. After a rousing rendition of chopsticks and a few near falls off the piano stool, (and a few shouts from annoyed punters) they closed the piano and continued to mess in a quieter fashion.

Juanine took a different approach to surviving the soul club. She got very drunk. And invited a "friend" along....he who shall not be named for legal reasons and also she'll kill Tonto. When her "friend" had left she came to Tonto for a chinwag and to tell her how drunk she was. Ain't she pretty!?

And there you have it. How to survive the soul club....get drunk, mess, play piano, fall over, get really drunk (even before you get there) and most importantly bring your friends to get drunk with. If anything they'll pick you up when you fall over and between the lot of ye you'll find your way home. Eventually.

HIDE AND SEEK!!!

After a party harty weekend to celebrate Tonto's 25th birthday and consequent ability to tie her own shoe laces, a few hard core members of the big news at twelvty posse wandered into Doyles (again) for Tontos actual birthday....to wet their whistles and to play a rousing game of hide and seek. Juanine hid under the table....Ethna behind the bar. Kate cheated and ran to the toilets. But the winners and rightly so were Jean and Tonto, who hid behind their pints. They were not found for whole minutes!! Can you find them!!??

McFabulous was in complete awe!! How did they do it!!?? The pints are so small and Jean and Tonto are...well not so big...but definitely bigger than a pint. Mirrors....sticky tape...the use of another dimension...or the fact that all other players were as drunk as you are.

Next week...the Big News at Twelvty plays rounders!!

The Big News At Twelvty has a PARTAY!!!

Staff and friends of the Big News at Twelvty were out with bells on last Saturday night to celebrate the most important birthday of the whole entire year.....TONTO TURNS 25!!



25 means responsibilty, maturity...she's a bonafide grown up now!!

"By 25 I wanted to be married, have kids, own an apron, be able to cook. One out of 4 ain't bad. It really is a very nice apron!!"

To mark the occasion, regulars of the big news of twelvty turned up in Tontos favourite watering hole for some light refreshments and to dance their cotton socks off. Fergus presented Tonto with the appropriate grown up chocolates, luxury Roses (LUXURY!!)

And then was the first to delve in. He put a lot of thought into his chocolate descision. In the end it was between a caramel and a strawberry cream. The caramel won.

Everyone loves Tonto. Loves her a lot. Respects her roving reporterness and general beauty and greatness. There were lots of kisses for Tonto. Tonto was all aflush with all the attention.

When they thought no one was looking, Roisin and Tonto had a quiet moment to tell each other how great they thought each other was and to discuss when and where they thought the girl in the green dress would fall over in her high heels. Also, they're such lushes. They love to pose.

And then she did!! Girl in the green dress in the high heels slipped on the very wet floor (it had nothing to do with Tonto spilling beer). Roisin won a tenner but the moment was lost.

There was rumours that there was a talent scout on the crowd, looking for budding hopeful pop tarts for his new pop tart sensation band. Some people just couldn't help themselves. As soon as they heard, Niamh and Aifric jumped straight into their rendition of "Respectable", first preformed by the pair when in 6th class for a school talent show. Niamh is Mel and Aifric is Kim.

This, believe it or not, did not attract the attention of the scout. So Niamh ditched Aifric and went a different route. Her and Tonto decided to go hip pop.

Can you believe this didn't work either!!?? Marian however pulled out all the stops with a rousing rendtion of Oh Happy Day. So rousing that she slipped backwards on the steps. She decided than and there never to sing that bloody song again.

Ruadhan is not a fan of the lime light however. Or cameras. Or wet willies. He does like his middle finger. It is so big it covers his who face. Richie is very impressed. Greg just wants him to put it away. He's seen it all before.

Dancing plays a huge part in a Tonto birthday celebration. And middle fingers it seems. And smiles of course. And sweat....well it comes with all the dancing.

It was all a bit too much for Ruadhan though. He danced himself asleep. Aifric adopted the we're not worthy dance. It became quite popular for the night. Perhaps another installment of Let us teach you how to dance. Moves have changed a lot int he last 6 months or so. Its hard to keep up. For example, how do we describe Nialls moves. Greg has gone for his signature not dancing dance.

Recently outed alien, Juanine turned up to wish Tonto well, despite her being the one that outed her. Although she is not ashamed of her red eyes or her heritage, she has opted to wear contacts as to not scare the children. The Big News at Twelvty think they look good.

Tontos sister turned up to wave the Poncho family flag. Robert and Rob could not hide their amazement at how quick she can drink a pint. A pint to zero in 10 seconds....but she seems so quiet. Erich is particularly impressed.

Another great Tonto birthday. Well they always are. Tonto had fun. Others had fun. There was dancing. Spilt beers (Tonto was only responsible for spilling 2 of them...she thinks). More dancing. A lot of dancing. Sweat. No tears...well maybe some of joy. And presents for Tonto. Tonto was very happy going home and actually remembers getting home, with a little help from Marian and the Shell garage. Happy birthday TONTO!!

And you think you know someone....

In a shocking revelation it appears lovable Mexican, Juanine, who was recently aquitted of nose robbing charges, may not be who she says she is. In fact, she may not even be human.

It has come to the attention of the Big News at Twelvty, after careful examination of archived photos that Juanine's eyes are in fact red. Dr Iris Eyenstein, a well respected optician and slien enthusiast, can confirm that humans do not have red eyes.

"Pink eye, yes. Blood shot, yes. But never in my days have I seen eyes so red....on a human."




Dr Eyenstein has been following the movements of a certain alien race called the Mehicans from Mehicon 5 for the past 25 years.

"YEs I started to become aware of them around the 14 of January 1981. I remember the day clearly because it was also the day I was charged with drunk driving."

This date is conicidentally Juanines brithday.


The Mehicans are a peaceful race, who are only interested in Jack Daniels, ponies and Keifer Sunderland. They can be recognised by their red eyes and require at least 3 cups of coffee a day to function. They drive Fiat Puntos.


Why didn't ya tell us sooner Juanine!!?? It sure does explain a lot.

Whos mouth is it ANYWAY!!!???

Here at the Big News at Twelvty, we have decided to test how dedicated our readers our by setting a wee challenge. In the following picture are a collection of mouths from some of the News at Twelvty regulars.

Can you tell whos who???